Life Celebrations

My VERY talented mother created this for me. :) Celebration for graduating college. I love you mama. I'm so blessed with such a wonderful family and such a wonderful fiance. I'm blessed for the opportunities I've been provided, and now as I move forward with my life I am the happiest I've ever been. <3

The Most Amazing Thing Just Happened to Me (Part 2 of 2)

So I was sitting on the bench on the front porch of my new house. Recently home from work I was enjoying the summer's warmth and looking at our cute new neighborhood and it's evening activities. The porch sits behind a railing covered in vined flowers, and the old architecture of the neighborhood brings life to the houses sitting behind their lusciously green lawns. As I sat on our bench, an old lady was slowly walking by with her dog, and I watched her pass and responded to her hello. My head was snapped back to center as I saw the most amazingly beautiful hummingbird stopped inches from my face.

It came from no where, zooming down and hovering roughly 6 inches away from me. I've known for some time now that the humming bird is my spirit animal, reminding me to fearlessly dance with happiness, displaying my unique colors proudly. The hummingbird represents a small female spirit, quick and ready, but respected as warrior in battle. For those who know me I am a deeply spiritual person, reflecting daily on the connection of life and eagerly studying how we move through it. I've found a connection to the Native American spirituality I have been awakened to as I explore my heritage. By concentrating on the attributes of your spirit animal it aligns you to their values and helps you reflect those attributes in your own life. I've been going through a rough time recently, a transition period from my youth to my adult life. It has not been easy, and there have been many battles to overcome, but I've been moving forward with the partnership of the love of my life. Still, emotionally it's been very tolling. This is what a spirit animal is supposed to do, come in and out of your life as you need to realign. I have never felt so connected to the universe.

As I sat on my porch, the humming bird zoomed in from out of my line of sight. At first I was shocked, unsure of what I was seeing. But it sat there, hovering at eye level 6 inches from my face, looking me directly in my eyes. The experience only truly lasted about 30 seconds, but it felt like much longer. I have not seen any hummingbirds at my house yet, I haven't seen one at all for months and months. But here, when I'm finally home, winding down from a long week at my new job, recovering from my recent surgery, just taking a breath to take it all in and keep pushing on, this is when I see my symbol of joy and hope. It startled me at first, because my mind was elsewhere and it was not what I was expecting. I half expected it to attack me, as aggressively and swiftly as it flew down and came to a screeching halt in my face. But it just sat there. And so I sat there, trying to calm my worry while simultaneously being filled with awe. I have never experienced an emotion quite like that. Staring at it's beauty, it's significance in my life causing my mind to whirl. This is what I needed. Thank you.

<3 Lulu

Hummingbird: The Flight of a Spirit (Part 1 of 2)

Originally Posted on Facebook February 28,2010 at 10:41 pm

A time of deep introspection and insight has led me to finally determine the hummingbird is my spiritual animal of the moment, and quite possibly my totem animal.

Native American culture varies from tribe to tribe, but it can be said that 9 spiritual animals with different strengths and attributes guide you through the different stages of your life, and there is one totem animal that remains with you through the physical and spiritual world.

Finding a spiritual animal is not something that can be so easily told to you, it comes from an innate feeling of connection in past, present, or mind with such an animal. So here is one of the descriptions of sister hummingbird.

"Sister hummingbird is a joyous Spirit Guide. Her speed and dexterity in flight seems to express more than just her need to find food. Her brilliant colors flash in the sunlight, capturing the eye whenever they appear. Sister Hummingbird is the spirit messenger of simple joyousness and exuberance and teaches not to take things to seriously. To fly our own individual colors in the sun; to live on the nectar of flowers, to move faster than the eye can see, these are the virtues of infancy and innocence. She reminds us that the road of life is a muddy one, and that we need to forget the pains that teach us our deeper lessons, and simply be as we are. She traces out the filigrees in the air to dance her joy. But this same power also protects her from larger birds, who can never out-maneuver her. Even the Eagle is clumsy next to the Hummingbird. Her powers are feminine, even though many warriors chose to accept a bond with her as a power that protects in battle. Warrior, Protection and Joy."

 

This feeling of warmth and draw I have toward the hummingbird was recently strengthened with the reading of some passages from an amazing book called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. They've touched me so profoundly, I feel compelled to share their message with whomever might care to hear.

"... It is so important to be impeccable with our word and to become a spiritual warrior. We must learn to control the emotions so we have enough personal power to change our fear-based agreements....

How are we to become a warrior? There are certain characteristics of the warrior that are nearly the same around the world. The warrior has awareness. That's very important. We are aware that we are at war, and the war in our minds requires discipline. Not the discipline of a soldier, but the discipline of a warrior. Not the discipline from the outside to tell us what to do and what not to do, but the discipline to be ourselves, no matter what.

The warrior has control. Not control over another human, but control over one's own emotions, control over one's own self. It's when we lose control that we repress emotions, not when we are in control. The big difference between a warrior and a victim is that the victim represses, and the warrior refrains. Victims repress because they are afraid to show the emotions, afraid to say what they want to say. To refrain is not the same thing as repression. To refrain is to hold the emotions and express them at the right moment, not before, not later. That is why warriors are impeccable. They have complete control over their emotions and therefore over their own behavior.

"First we need to forgive our parents, our brothers, our sisters, our friends, and God. Once you forgive God you can finally forgive yourself, the self-rejection in your mind is over. Self-acceptance begins, and the self-love will grow so strong that you will finally accept yourself just the way that you are. That's the beginning of the free human. Forgiveness is key."

I desire to be as a hummingbird. I desire to move mentally and physically with agility, free of the weights of the world I have tried to claim as my own. Free from the unnecessary pain and suffering that we have been taught by society to dwell on and carry around with us. Free from self-hate and rejection based on the feelings of never being good enough compared to unrealistic outside expectations from unseen judges and juries that I have been giving power to influence my life. Embracing my true colors and holding myself to my own standards of perfection tailor-made to the spirit I have been born with. I desire to fly my colors into the warming sun and sip from the nectar of the beautiful flowers that have been so wonderfully placed in my life. And as the hummingbird I will be a warrior in my thoughts and in my actions as I constantly battle the conflicting inner strength and outward force of the world. Though I may be small, I am filled to the brim with love for myself, my life, and all those I may meet. That is my hummingbird.

My First Surgery - On Friday the 13th

At home recovering today from my first surgery experience. The past few weeks have been a  roller coaster, but its time like these I'm so grateful for the love and support of my family and friends.

The week after my college graduation, I found out that though I had been on birth control, I was pregnant. Shocked at first, as the idea sank in my fiance and I played with the idea of being parents and realized it was something we both wanted together. I had heard the first trimester was the most difficult, with up to 25% of pregnancies ending in miscarriage and 80% of those happening in the first 10 weeks. Most of my life, I've wanted to prepare myself to emotionally and financially take care of my family when I am finally blessed enough to be a mother. I want to be as good a mother as my own, and as my grandmother, but with a family of my own. I was so excited for the pregnancy, and my first child, but I was nervous to announce anything during the first trimester. I told my family, and some closest friends, and they were so excited for me that the news spread and it soon felt like the whole world knew about the most recent development in my life. I changed a great deal to try to remain healthy for myself and my child. However, when I went in at 10 weeks for a sonogram I was told things didn't look as they should. My fiance came with my to a MRI center to get a sonogram, where I was told I had the sack for a 10 week baby, but the baby wasn't there. My body had begun miscarrying, but the process wasn't complete.

My heart broke, and my fiance held me and let me cry out my pain. I have never been so grateful for his unconditional love and support as I was in this moment. After spending some time home alone with him, I finally told my family what had happened. They were devastated for me. My parents and his were excited to be grandparents, and they had grown so close to us and each other in a short time over the idea. They hurt for me and the thought of their lost grandchild. My sisters were over the moon with the idea of being aunts, were hurt by the loss, but offered all their love and support for what I was going through. My grandmother grieved too over her lost great-grandchild. As my child grew inside me, I loved nothing more than to play out Jona and my future family in my head, and began to love it as my own. This development shook me to my core, because there is no kind of loss like losing the life growing inside you. I worried about my health and my future ability to have children, but the doctor repeatedly tried to calm me down with the comment of how common such a loss is. She also said because I wasn't passing the remnants properly, she would have to schedule me for an emergency D&C surgery that week. I was concerned with the timing, as this was the week I started my new career at the Stockton Symphony and I didn't want to take time off my first week. I was also nervous about the idea of being put to sleep, having never undergone surgery before. But as the hours of Thursday night drew to a close, I tried to calm my mind to mentally prepare for my Friday the 13th surgery.

Originally, my Doctor had told me that I'd go into surgery at 11:30. Yesterday I received a phone call from the hospital and they told me my surgery was at 10:30 so I'd have to be in prep by 8:30. She also said I needed a blood test beforehand and needed to hurry in to get that done. So I rushed out there Thursday after work but they didn't have any paperwork for me. So after spending an hour and a half bouncing around departments, I was told they couldn't do anything and I would need to come in at 7:30 am to get the tests done first. I woke up at 7 to my grandmother's knock on my front door. We drove to the hospital, followed by my fiance. As we waited my mind was spinning about the procedure; what that meant for my future, the possibility of complication, and everything I read when I Googled what was going to be done to my body. I am prone to anxiety, and have been trying to find ways to calm my mind and my body. I've found knowing as much as I can about what to expect prepares me and helps me remain calm. I visualized the procedure and tried to meditate and take peace knowing what will be will be.

I've never really had a problem with needles, and controlled my will to acknowledge the pain and focus elsewhere to not be overwhelmed by it. I was soon prepped for surgery, and realizing I had a long time to wait, laid back in my hospital bed and curled up in my warm blanket to nap until they were ready for me. Around 1130 I woke up as the anesthesiologist came to meet with me. After going through another round of questioning regarding my medical history, a sedative was added to my IV and I was wheeled to the surgery room. Here I was given a mask and told to breathe, and consciousness slipped away from me. I woke up in a recovery room and was soon checked out. My mother brought me home and I'm recovering for the weekend, but all went well with my first outpatient procedure.

Looking forward, I'm remaining optimistic and am excited for this new chapter in my life. I'm blessed to have an awesome new job where I really think I can learn and grow toward my passion and the career path of my dreams. I have a wonderful family, whom I love dearly, and have been there unconditionally with their love and prayers. Though I am saddened with our loss, I am still blessed to have a wonderful house with the man of my dreams, my new Fiance. Looking forward, I'm going to keep moving forward. We know we want to start a family together, and though were going to give it some time first, that will come when it comes. For now we can enjoy being a young engaged couple. I am so blessed.

My purpose for writing all of this out in such a manner is that it is my own way of processing, dealing, and moving forward. I know not everyone agrees with sharing personal information online, but what I've come to love about life are the stories. I want to be able to share my stories with whomever may want to hear them. From my family and friends that are concerned, to anyone out there that might be going through a similar thing and find their own peace in sharing common experience. I've spent a lot of my life observing, and meeting the most interesting and wonderful people. As I begin this 22nd year of my life, I want to share my stories, and theirs, and have decided to begin blogging again as I'm finishing up the design on my website. Social Media may not be for everyone, but for me its a way to stay connected with the people I care about and that care about me. And if I can take all of these lessons I've learned and beautiful things I find, and I can share that to entertain, help, or please others, then I'm all the happier for it. I don't plan to continue on such a serious note, but wanted to tell this whole story once through rather than have to relive it continuously in explanations. Thank you family and friends for your love and support.

Love Always,

Ashley-Lulu