Friday, July 13, 2012

My First Surgery - On Friday the 13th

At home recovering today from my first surgery experience. The past few weeks have been a  roller coaster, but its time like these I'm so grateful for the love and support of my family and friends.

The week after my college graduation, I found out that though I had been on birth control, I was pregnant. Shocked at first, as the idea sank in my fiance and I played with the idea of being parents and realized it was something we both wanted together. I had heard the first trimester was the most difficult, with up to 25% of pregnancies ending in miscarriage and 80% of those happening in the first 10 weeks. Most of my life, I've wanted to prepare myself to emotionally and financially take care of my family when I am finally blessed enough to be a mother. I want to be as good a mother as my own, and as my grandmother, but with a family of my own. I was so excited for the pregnancy, and my first child, but I was nervous to announce anything during the first trimester. I told my family, and some closest friends, and they were so excited for me that the news spread and it soon felt like the whole world knew about the most recent development in my life. I changed a great deal to try to remain healthy for myself and my child. However, when I went in at 10 weeks for a sonogram I was told things didn't look as they should. My fiance came with my to a MRI center to get a sonogram, where I was told I had the sack for a 10 week baby, but the baby wasn't there. My body had begun miscarrying, but the process wasn't complete.

My heart broke, and my fiance held me and let me cry out my pain. I have never been so grateful for his unconditional love and support as I was in this moment. After spending some time home alone with him, I finally told my family what had happened. They were devastated for me. My parents and his were excited to be grandparents, and they had grown so close to us and each other in a short time over the idea. They hurt for me and the thought of their lost grandchild. My sisters were over the moon with the idea of being aunts, were hurt by the loss, but offered all their love and support for what I was going through. My grandmother grieved too over her lost great-grandchild. As my child grew inside me, I loved nothing more than to play out Jona and my future family in my head, and began to love it as my own. This development shook me to my core, because there is no kind of loss like losing the life growing inside you. I worried about my health and my future ability to have children, but the doctor repeatedly tried to calm me down with the comment of how common such a loss is. She also said because I wasn't passing the remnants properly, she would have to schedule me for an emergency D&C surgery that week. I was concerned with the timing, as this was the week I started my new career at the Stockton Symphony and I didn't want to take time off my first week. I was also nervous about the idea of being put to sleep, having never undergone surgery before. But as the hours of Thursday night drew to a close, I tried to calm my mind to mentally prepare for my Friday the 13th surgery.

Originally, my Doctor had told me that I'd go into surgery at 11:30. Yesterday I received a phone call from the hospital and they told me my surgery was at 10:30 so I'd have to be in prep by 8:30. She also said I needed a blood test beforehand and needed to hurry in to get that done. So I rushed out there Thursday after work but they didn't have any paperwork for me. So after spending an hour and a half bouncing around departments, I was told they couldn't do anything and I would need to come in at 7:30 am to get the tests done first. I woke up at 7 to my grandmother's knock on my front door. We drove to the hospital, followed by my fiance. As we waited my mind was spinning about the procedure; what that meant for my future, the possibility of complication, and everything I read when I Googled what was going to be done to my body. I am prone to anxiety, and have been trying to find ways to calm my mind and my body. I've found knowing as much as I can about what to expect prepares me and helps me remain calm. I visualized the procedure and tried to meditate and take peace knowing what will be will be.

I've never really had a problem with needles, and controlled my will to acknowledge the pain and focus elsewhere to not be overwhelmed by it. I was soon prepped for surgery, and realizing I had a long time to wait, laid back in my hospital bed and curled up in my warm blanket to nap until they were ready for me. Around 1130 I woke up as the anesthesiologist came to meet with me. After going through another round of questioning regarding my medical history, a sedative was added to my IV and I was wheeled to the surgery room. Here I was given a mask and told to breathe, and consciousness slipped away from me. I woke up in a recovery room and was soon checked out. My mother brought me home and I'm recovering for the weekend, but all went well with my first outpatient procedure.

Looking forward, I'm remaining optimistic and am excited for this new chapter in my life. I'm blessed to have an awesome new job where I really think I can learn and grow toward my passion and the career path of my dreams. I have a wonderful family, whom I love dearly, and have been there unconditionally with their love and prayers. Though I am saddened with our loss, I am still blessed to have a wonderful house with the man of my dreams, my new Fiance. Looking forward, I'm going to keep moving forward. We know we want to start a family together, and though were going to give it some time first, that will come when it comes. For now we can enjoy being a young engaged couple. I am so blessed.

My purpose for writing all of this out in such a manner is that it is my own way of processing, dealing, and moving forward. I know not everyone agrees with sharing personal information online, but what I've come to love about life are the stories. I want to be able to share my stories with whomever may want to hear them. From my family and friends that are concerned, to anyone out there that might be going through a similar thing and find their own peace in sharing common experience. I've spent a lot of my life observing, and meeting the most interesting and wonderful people. As I begin this 22nd year of my life, I want to share my stories, and theirs, and have decided to begin blogging again as I'm finishing up the design on my website. Social Media may not be for everyone, but for me its a way to stay connected with the people I care about and that care about me. And if I can take all of these lessons I've learned and beautiful things I find, and I can share that to entertain, help, or please others, then I'm all the happier for it. I don't plan to continue on such a serious note, but wanted to tell this whole story once through rather than have to relive it continuously in explanations. Thank you family and friends for your love and support.

Love Always,



  1. Ash, Im sorry to hear. I got pregnant on birth control also, but I was so thin that I didn't know I was pregnant till I was 6 mo. Along.

    I wish you well, keep the faith and god has good things in store for u. Take good care of yourself.

  2. Thank you for sharing this. You depicted it all very beautifully. As I read it took me back to an similar incident between Joy and Debra except, I was not aware I was expecting and only found out when I began serious hemorrhaging. The memory will always be a part of you. I am glad those close to you knew about it and were able to be there for you. I pray a speedy recovery and a steady growing into your own sweet family! Love Grandma Hale.

  3. They are saying in recent years, that if you're on the pill, if you're taking antibiotics for a cold, or infection, the birth control is not always dependable. I, too, got pregnant on the pill from "Planned Parenthood", no less! God has other things in store for you at the present time, and having a baby is not one of them! Your time will come.